Oh Baby
A little context: This is a script I had written for a short film I was hoping to make in 2017. When Luc asked me to be part of Adulting, I found out that one of the episodes I was going to be in was about a couple grappling with the decision of when to have a baby. I told him I’d just written something along those lines, so he asked to read it and we decided to collaborate on writing the episode. I’ve made a couple of tweaks, but below is more or less that original script.
Oh Baby
A Short Film
By Sarah O’Brecht
Characters:
Her
Him
INT. Their bedroom – Morning
We open on a couple’s morning routine on a lazy Sunday. They are under the covers.
HER
No, it’s your turn. I can’t shoulder this burden. It’s too much.
HIM
My turn? It’s the weekend. I want a day off from decisions.
HER
Artists can’t be saddled with this much responsibility. I can’t let my impulsive, bohemian nature dictate the decision that will determine the success of our day. I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t do that to us.
HIM
Okay, Drama Queen. Save it for your next play. This is brunch.
HER
Rock, paper, scissors?
He can’t resist a competition. Or his wife.
HIM
Best out of three?
HER
Jesus, these stakes are so high.
They compete. She wins in two games.
HIM
Ahh, fine. Let’s go to Sal’s. We can take our books.
HER
But we haven’t tried that new place on College yet…
HIM
Are you serious? You are the absolute worst, you know that?
He starts tickling her and kissing her until they fall into the mood together. Zero to sixty.
HER
(laughing)
The only thing that can take my brain off of food…
HIM
We can eat after. Hell, I will spoon feed you myself…
As things escalate, he gets lost in the moment.
HIM
Let’s make a baby.
HER
What?
HIM
You look so sexy in the morning.
HER
No, before that you said something.
HIM
What?
HER
What did you say?
HIM
I said “Oh baby” or something stupid.
HER
Liar.
HIM
I didn’t say anything.
(off a look from HER, he sighs.)
Fine, I said, let’s make a baby.
HER
Did you mean it?
HIM
Well, yeah. I love you. That’s why I married you. I want to spend my life with you and make adorable, stubborn, smart, hilarious, mixed race babies with you.
HER
I know, but like, you want to do this now?
HIM
(casually laughing)
Why not? I mean, genetically, don’t we owe it to the human race to see what that combination would look like?
HER
I’m serious. I’m 29. This doesn’t have to happen today. Or even this year.
HIM
Look, I didn’t mean today. I just said it in the moment. (beat) But, now that I have blue balls… why not this year? Why not start trying?
HER
It’s not your body.
HIM
I know, I know. I am the first person to say that. But, we have this house. We have enough money. My job is steady. We’re kind of set.
HER
What about my job? I’m not set. It’s not like they can hire a pregnant woman to play Viola, here, I’m not ready for this. I feel like I just started. The ball just / started rolling.
* / indicates that lines overlap.
HIM
/ And I get that. But, let’s be honest, is there ever going to be a right time?
HER
Maybe not. I know that no one ever feels ready to be a parent. But you don’t know how much I’d be giving up.
HIM
I do though. I know it’s a sacrifice. But honestly, beyond, say, a year? Nines months and craziness of childbirth, then say, three months of working your ass off at the gym to get your body back… Your words, not mine - you’d be beautiful regardless. But after that year, who’s to say you can’t come back to a great career?
HER
You expect me to have no accountability to motherhood beyond the first year??
HIM
No. But I mean, my parents are close by. They’re on board to help out.
HER
On board? Have you been talking to your parents about this?
HIM
Obviously not. But you know our parents would literally jump at the chance to babysit. Jesus, they’d move in if we asked them to. So we’d never need to worry about childcare if you’re at auditions or rehearsals or on set or something.
HER
What about work that’s out of town? I can’t give up that right now. But I also can’t just uproot our family at a moment’s notice and drag a baby halfway across the country for five months, meanwhile doing long distance as a wife and single parenting as a mother.
HIM
Can we not just cross that bridge when we get to it? These are all hypotheticals.
HER
These are the things we’d have to think about as parents! They may be hypothetical, but they’re realistic!
HIM
Are you re-thinking your stance on having kids?
HER
No. I don’t know! Fuck, why do I have to answer this? I just wanted to go to brunch and have our ONE day of the week together.
HIM
We can’t still do that?
HER
No, you ruined it. This is all I’m going to think about today. You guilt-ing my vagina and reminding me of the biological ticking time bomb that is my uterus. Thank you, kind sir, for that considerate reminder.
HIM
Look, I can’t help that I want a family, okay?
HER
I want one too!
HIM
Well, how do I know that’s still going to happen? I love you, but kids are a deal breaker for me and I don’t think it would be fair for you to lead me on to thinking you want them too and then, boom! Five years down the road, you change your mind.
HER
So you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore if I changed my mind?
HIM
That’s not what I said.
HER
It sure as hell sounded like it. What if I couldn’t get pregnant?
HIM
Another hypothetical. And I need a coffee.
He starts to get up, pulling on sweats and a T-shirt.
HER
Oh, great. Leave when the conversation gets hard. Convenient.
HIM
You want a coffee?
HER
I want to settle this.
HIM
You want to settle this? For me? It’s simple. I want you. I want US to have kids. To be honest, I can’t say how far I would have let this go if I had known you weren’t sure about having kids.
HER
Why can’t you be the one to get pregnant?
HIM
Unfortunately, it’s not the way we’re wired.
HER
Easy for you to say when you just get to have sex and then nine months later, congrats! You’re a dad.
HIM
Well, sorry, but that’s how it is.
He looks at her, then heads to the kitchen to start making coffee, leaving her alone in the bedroom with her thoughts and her uterus.
HER
Well then.
ROLL CREDITS on a shot of coffee being made.